A warning to all traveling near the Boulder, Colorado area: zombies have attacked the area. The Denver Post reports that a electronic road sign warning of "Zombies Ahead" was found on Foothills Parkway. The sign originally was programmed to say "Shoulder work Feb. 28 through June," until some brave citizens hacked into the sign to help save the city. Their good deed was largely ignored.
Boulder resident Rick Barron told ABC affiliate KGMH that he saw the sign and wasn't alarmed. "My first thought was, 'Did that really say Zombies Ahead?' And my second thought was 'I've been in Boulder almost 30 years. If there were naked zombies riding bicycles with pumpkins on their heads, I guess we'd be used to it,'" said Barron.
Barron's logic is obviously in need of refocusing, since, for one, zombies can't ride bikes, however, should they find a way to do so with a pumpkin on their head, then there's nothing about that situation that any ordinary citizen should ignore. It would mean that the zombies had retained some residual intelligence, albeit intelligence that told them to put pumpkins on their heads. Either way, the time is not to sit and shakes one's head while enjoying a cup of coffee, but to stand up and RUN.
As usual, the local government did its best to cover up the warning.
"I'm sure it's just a question of contacting the contractor and asking them to make sure their signs are locked," said Colorado Department of Traffic spokeswoman Stacey Stegman. "There are no zombies that I know of in Boulder, but stranger things have happened."
Oh, really? Stranger things have happened in Boulder outside of a zombie uprising? Then let me make a small note: NEVER FUCKING GO TO BOULDER, COLORADO.
As for the cause of this outbreak, we again wonder if zombie ants are to blame. Back in December of 2009, we wrote an article about the zombie ants as the undead insect was becoming all the rage in online science journals. At the same time, an electronic traffic sign in Gainesville, Florida, warned of a zombie outbreak and pleaded with citizens to "evacuate."
A year and a half later, Boulder, Colorado, warns of zombies as, yet again, the zombie ant takes focus in science sites like, oh, National Fucking Geographic. A new discovery of the Ophiocordyceps unilateralis fungus revelaed that instead of being a single species, as originally thought, the fungus, which takes over the mind and controls the body of the Brazilian rain forest ant, was actually four distinct species. Four. Four species that infect ants move them to another location where the ant dies and the fungus grows to take over more ants. And so on. Until we're ALL DEAD.
It is tempting to speculate that each species of fungus has its own ant species that it is best adapted to attack," said David Hughes, an entomologist at Penn State University and study leader. "This potentially means thousands of zombie fungi in tropical forests across the globe await discovery. We need to ramp up sampling—especially given the perilous state of the environment."
The "perilous state of the environment" indeed, genius. Tell it to the citizens of Boulder, Colorado, who are busy being eaten by zombies with pumpkins on their heads which, apparently, is only the tip of the weirdness iceberg in that doomed-ass town.