Dead Clowns (2003)

Saturday Night. 10:15pm. Local video rental shop.

Dell: Let's just pick a movie and get out of here.

Anton: What about Dead Clowns? According to the box it's a "gory zombie flick".

Dell: I don't get that. Aren't all zombie movies supposed to be gory? Besides, this movie looks like it is riding the recent zombie renaissance. Zombies and torture porn are all the rage.

Anton: Well, the cover is pretty dope. It has that Stephen King's "It" meets generic zombie movie look to it. Plus it has Brinke Stevens in it. She was in that Slumber Party Massacre movie. She's the Linnea Quigley of the brunette set.

Dell: Alright. Whatever. Let's pick up a box of sour vines on the way out

11:25pm. Dell's apartment

Dell: Oh man. Another movie where they blew the budget on the cover art. It's obvious the producers wanted to take full advantage of a bounty of local network hurricane b-roll but they didn't bother to match any of the footage with the set shots.

Anton: And is it me or is the back story rediculously long for a movie titled "Dead Clowns"? Brinke has been walking us through the "fateful events of that night" for the last 20 minutes. She's gotta be bored by now.

Dell: Well, it's not everyday that a carnival train gets blown off a bridge and into bay below causing the death of all the clowns.

Anton: See how long it took you to sum it up?

Dell: Good point. Oh, check it. A zombie has come to life underwater! I hope a sweet zombie vs shark melee is about to begin....

11:47pm

Anton: Dear God, I've seen better looking zombies at the local Halloween house of horrors.

Dell: It looks like they are sharing one clown costume. They kind of look like zombies with questionable fashion sense instead of clowns.

Anton: I love the zombie with seaweed on his head. Classic horror technique right there.

Dell: At least they've started eating some people. I guess it could be considered kinda gory though everything looks pretty damn fake

Anton: Really, you think it looks fake? Everything is so dark it's hard to tell.

Dell: You notice nobody screams when their insides are being devoured. I'm thinking zombie clowns have a kinder, gengtler way of pulling you apart.

Anton: But isn't that the job of a clown? To make even the saddest moments seem a little brighter?

Dell: I wish they could make this movie a little brighter.

Anton: Yeah. I've had enough. Dead clowns aren't funny or scary. They're just sad. Are there any sour vines left?